Ex’es

A lot of people will say if you’re truly over an ex you wouldn’t care what they do after you guys are broken up, etc. etc. But I really feel like that isn’t the case.Β  There are exes I have that I really do not care what they did because I wasn’t attached to them at one point, or our relationship just drifted off into a mutual agreement, but then there’s the two relationships I stayed in even though they treated me like shit, and those are the ones that bother me on how they treat other people/how they moved on.

So, to keep names out of it (granted, they’ll know who they are if they ever come across this) I will call one X1 and the other X2.

X1 was my first love, I loved him unconditionally. He wasn’t the best looking, or even the smartest, but he was smart in his own ways. We had a lot of fun times together, but a lot of bad times as well. The difference between X1 and X2 is that, X1 and I have agreed that we are a lot better as friends; which we are, but that still doesn’t shake the feeling I get whenever I see him treat a girl a certain way. I have no romantic feelings towards them at all, I honestly do not care if/when they get a girlfriend again if they do get a girlfriend again; however, what bothers me is how concerned, loving, caring he is towards some of the people they talk to.
And I think it stems from my extreme insecurity issues I have, but the thought “why couldn’t you be like that towards me?”, “I treated you like a King and you didn’t even attempt to give me the same affection”, and various other questions of the kind comes to my head.
While X1 and I were dating, He was still “in love” with his ex-girlfriend, she essentially dictated our entire relationship. I spent money on him, something he never did for me (not until recently/after we just became friends), I would alter my schedule just to talk to him, and even going as far as to buy a webcam in order to chat with him. Needless to say, we never web cammed; but he definitely liked to webcam with other women instead.
I was only of interest when his other interests weren’t around. It got so bad, that his ex-girlfriend had actually had him break up with me and stop talking to me after he promised she wouldn’t get in the way again.
And now, here we are, we’re friends, close friends, and I like that. I don’t want a romantic relationship, I don’t want to be anything more than friends with this guy, because we were really good as friends. We worked so much better, had better talks, had an all around better time. Though, I can’t help to feel slightly agitated when he talks and shows compassion towards other girls. It annoys me, its like a punch in the face. Like, all that time, devotion, effort, and love I gave you and you never could return it to me as you do all the other girls you talk/talked to. You never tried to come visit me, I tried to visit you. You never tried to love me, I tried to love you. It makes me feel like garbage, it makes me question how a person can do this to another person.

X2, is definitely a piece of shit. X2 Is also known as my abuser. If any one has read my older posts with my venting, you guys would know that X2 emotionally abused me for 2 years, gaslighted me heavily, molested/raped me, and gets to walk away and says that I’m lying and it never happened like that. That my pleads for him not to do the things he did to me was all just a lie…. but thats besides the point. I obviously, have no feelings for him.
Aside from abusing me, he refused PDA (it was literally stockholm syndrome. I was afraid to leave, and there was so much more to it. if anyone is interested I can make another blog post.)Β  he refused to take photos with me, do anything to make it seem like we were actually a couple— but his new girlfriend, she posts pictures of them, says I love you publicly. Its agitating, and I’m sad that this piece of shit gets to walk freely with someone else to do the same thing to. Oh wait, she’s not underaged. My bad.

Then we have a friend of mine, he was never a boyfriend but someone I was seriously in love with. I couldn’t wait to talk to him, I swear he was my world. When I got in a relationship with my now husband the first thing he says to me is “we wouldn’t have worked out anyway” which felt like a stab in my heart; all these years, of me obsessing over you, you stringing me along; leading me on, and finally I give up on you and move on to someone else and you tell me that “We wouldn’t have worked out anyway?” if you would have just told me that years ago, I wouldn’t have wasted my time trying to get you or staying single and ignoring everyone for you.

I really don’t understand why I feel that way towards some of these exes, aside from those “questions” that run through my head. But it just sucks.
Like, my first boyfriend has a kid, and a baby on the way and I’m so happy for him. But, he treated me right.
various other boyfriends of mine, are moving on with their lives but they treated me right so I’m happy for them.
My girlfriends however…. different story.

Maybe I feel like I deserved better from those three people I named?Β  Maybe I feel like they owe me? I’m unsure of why. But I know 100% I do not have any feelings towards any of them.

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