Venting about sickness/death.

Its 4am, my husband is asleep, and I don’t want to bother my friends with my problems. My grandmother, who raised me so its she’s like my mother, went to the hospital yesterday because her oxygen levels were low and she was put on Oxygen plus she’s dehydrated and was put on an IV (3 Bags a day) and wasn’t improving (or getting worse). Around 10pm (I was napping; and I had just gotten off the phone with my dad so he didn’t bother to call me to wake me up) he texts me telling me hospital called and her kidney’s almost completely shut down. Β Now, my grandmother is 80 years old, has had 3 strokes (2 about 10 years ago, and 1 recently which put her in the nursing home) but I also think she has dementia/alzheimers[which the head of the rehabilitation center/nursing home disclosed just because “she’s old” and she had a stroke, even though the other strokes which were more severe than this one didn’t affect her memory as bad as this one] she has reverted back to almost a baby state; almost. She can’t sit up on her own, she wont eat, she can’t stand on her own. She wont drink anything unless someone assists her (Even though if you ask, she would say no) and when you ask her to do something she looks at you like you’re speaking a different language.

I just don’t how how to feel, well,Β I doΒ but I don’t,

I’m angry with myself that I’m sad, but I also have every right to be. I’m angry because I don’t know why we’re given these emotions even though its obvious that everyone dies; that we lose people all the time, and we WILL lose someone at least once in our lifetime, it isn’t as if she hasn’t lived her full life, it isn’t as if she’s young and dying, she’s 80 and wasn’t in good health, its bound to happen, right? then why do I have to be so sad about it? All I can do is listen to Front Porch Step and cry all day because the thought of losing my grandmother makes me sick to my stomach and IΒ hateΒ it. I hate every second of it. I hate that I’m going to have to go through this pain again, and again one day.

I hate that I’m going to feel the same way when my dad or mom passes on in the future.
I hate that I’m an empath because this makes it so harder that I know how my father is feeling and every time I talk to him, even if he’s just saying hello, I can feel his hurt and pain in its entirety and it hits me like a freight train and it hurts so much. It hurts so much I can feel my heart beating so hard and so slow..and the feeling like I’m about to puke up all of my insides just rushes quickly… but all I can do is stop and breathe in and try to keep my composure when all I really want to do is just lose control of everything.

It’s so hard because all I had in my life was my Grandmother, Dad, and Uncle; and my Uncle had passed away 11 years ago so it’s just my grandmother, dad, and I left for my intermediate family. Without my grandmother, my dad is alone (since I don’t live with him or anywhere close/easy to get to)
My dad had lived with her (his mom) all of his life, he dedicated his life into helping her when she got sick (even when she wasn’t sick, he was dedicated to helping her but he just had a little more freetime)
and I owe her everything, I’m just glad that I told her how much I appreciated her when I had the chance to, when she could respond to me.

This is just so damn hard, like I’ve mentioned I’ve been through loss before but it just never gets easier, you’re never prepared for it to happen. You can never build enough walls to secure yourself and your trembling so much you can’t bare to put on a facade.

Another thing is I hate, is that (and I appreciate it) everyone is just so afraid to tell the truth, they tell you what you think you want to hear and not actually what you want to hear. I don’t want to hear “There’s hope” or “she’ll pull through”
One or two people told me this and it just hurts more honestly. I’d rather here “It sounds like its her time” and things of that nature (which I have, and I have thanked the people wholeheartedly whom have said that to me) I don’t live in a fairytail land where miracles happen, I do everything based off of facts and odds; while it seems comforting, its just really painful to even slightly get my hopes up when I know it isn’t true.

My husband also has never felt loss before, so he’s so confused and trying really hard to make me feel better and I know its hurting him so much to see me so down and miserable. I just feel so terrible over that and I’m constantly reassuring him that he’s doing fine, and he’s doing okay but he wont listen to me all the time. It just constantly seems like this isn’t the part he signed up for; and I wish I could just push him out of this part of life that I don’t want him to see or deal with but I can’t, no matter how hard I try.



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s