I just needed somewhere to pour my thoughts and feelings because currently my husband is at work and I’m just sitting here in silence.
To inform complete strangers that enjoy reading my posts for whatever reason,
If you don’t want to read my life story you can skip to the point/next bold faced text. Though you wont understand to the full extent.
I was raised by my Grandmother, Uncle, and Father. I lived with them up until I was just barely 17 (I’ll save that story for another time.) and when my uncle passed away, my Grandmother’s health began declining; since a mother should NEVER know how it feels like to lose any of her children, especially her first born.
She had a 2 strokes about 8 years ago and never actually fully recovered; however her spirits and happiness and determination never left her and she wanted to come home and get better, though she never regained full movement in her right leg and needed assistance with moving/walking which is why my father takes care of her.
My grandmother isn’t a tiny woman, and my father has leg problems so he can’t pick her up and he relies on just helping her walk from her bed to various other places in this one room because my grandmother is a hard headed woman and can’t walk up and down steps, and, unfortunately, my father’s house requires steps into the kitchen, and steps to go outside/out the front door so she was limited to only one small room and she didn’t want to do really any physical therapy because she was always tired.
A little less than a month ago I got a text saying my grandmother couldn’t walk again and that if my father couldn’t get her to move out of her chair by the morning he was going to call the ambulance and take her to the hospital; which of course that happened and she had another stroke. So here we are, back at step one; but we aren’t allowed to pass go.
Her will to live just plummeted. In the hospital she said she was going to get better, that she wanted to get better but this time was different than the last time, this time it seemed like she gave up. She wouldn’t smile, she wouldn’t laugh. She just kept saying how she wants to go home.
Its so hard seeing someone who had so much motivation, so much determination, just stop. Its so hard and emotionally straining because its like watching someone who is as close to you as a mother just give up on life, but claiming that they don’t. It hurts so bad and I don’t know what to do. She says everyone hates her(when they don’t), and just keeps telling us how she wants to go home and I keep telling her shes not going to if she keeps refusing to eat or if she isn’t trying to get better and she just replies “I am going to go home”
I just want to cry for hours because I feel so helpless. I know its going to happen, and I just got off the phone with my father who I’ve only seen cry maybe 3 or 4 times? once when my Uncle died, once when my grandmother had the first stroke, and maybe two more times since she had this stroke and he just knows her time is coming soon and death is something we don’t really talk about and our family just bottles up emotions and I don’t think I’m prepared to have this talk with him that he wants to have….