Sad post.

I just needed somewhere to pour my thoughts and feelings because currently my husband is at work and I’m just sitting here in silence.



To inform complete strangers that enjoy reading my posts for whatever reason,
If you don’t want to read my life story you can skip to the point/next bold faced text.Β Though you wont understand to the full extent.
I was raised by my Grandmother, Uncle, and Father. I lived with them up until I was just barely 17 (I’ll save that story for another time.) and when my uncle passed away, my Grandmother’s health began declining; since a mother should NEVER know how it feels like to lose any of her children, especially her first born.

She had a 2 strokes about 8 years ago and never actually fully recovered; however her spirits and happiness and determination never left her and she wanted to come home and get better, though she never regained full movement in her right leg and needed assistance with moving/walking which is why my father takes care of her.

My grandmother isn’t a tiny woman, and my father has leg problems so he can’t pick her up and he relies on just helping her walk from her bed to various other places in this one room because my grandmother is a hard headed woman and can’t walk up and down steps, and, unfortunately, my father’s house requires steps into the kitchen, and steps to go outside/out the front door so she was limited to only one small room and she didn’t want to do really any physical therapy because she was always tired.

A little less than a month ago I got a text saying my grandmother couldn’t walk again and that if my father couldn’t get her to move out of her chair by the morning he was going to call the ambulance and take her to the hospital; which of course that happened and she had another stroke. So here we are, back at step one; but we aren’t allowed to pass go.

Her will to live just plummeted. In the hospital she said she was going to get better, that she wanted to get better but this time was different than the last time, this time it seemed like she gave up. She wouldn’t smile, she wouldn’t laugh. She just kept saying how she wants to go home.

Its so hardΒ seeing someone who had so much motivation, so much determination, just stop. Its so hard and emotionally straining because its like watching someone who is as close to you as a mother just give up on life, but claiming that they don’t. It hurts so bad and I don’t know what to do. She says everyone hates her(when they don’t), and just keeps telling us how she wants to go home and I keep telling her shes not going to if she keeps refusing to eat or if she isn’t trying to get better and she just replies “I am going to go home”
I just want to cry for hours because I feel so helpless. I know its going to happen, and I just got off the phone with my father who I’ve only seen cry maybe 3 or 4 times? once when my Uncle died, once when my grandmother had the first stroke, Β and maybe two more times since she had this stroke and he just knows her time is coming soon and death is something we don’t really talk about and our family just bottles up emotions and I don’t think I’m prepared to have this talk with him that he wants to have….


Female Gamers.

I’m on a few gaming groups on facebook (this is also based on personal experience as well) and I’ve noticed an increase of many women complaining about the negative and unwanted attention they get from playing an online game such as Overwatch or COD.


I would play Halo 3 online, and this is one of the main reasons why I don’t use a microphone online anymore; SomeoneΒ literallyΒ on my own team, which we were winning, decided to make the comment “any girls that game are fat and ugly” I mean,Β I am living up the chub life but it was my first encounter with someone on VC who was rude. I was like 14, 15 years old so of course I didn’t pay any mind to it or care.

You’d think since then, that people would evolve. Many girls/women play games now, even more-so than before. But the community is still sexist misogynist pigs towards the female-gaming community its so atrocious and disgusting. You can’t be a girl and game without either begging for attention, or just being ugly. There’s no in between… of course, not everyone is like this and I would never say everyone is like this; however the vast majority of the gaming community (which are male) think this way.

(For an example from personal experience) Lets say our team in Overwatch for an example is losing, yet, I’m on the point; pushing; Gold Medals in everything(including payload time), yet my team keeps dying so that means that we aren’t getting anywhere, and we lose? Want to know who they blame….me; simply because I’m a girl. I had a time where I was Widowmaker picking off everyone on the payload, defending of course. I died maybe once or twice because I had to jump on the payload to stall until my team arrived… I had this one guy who switched to Winston, consistently jump on the payload by himself with no other support aside from the Widowmaker sniping people off of the point. No Mercy to heal him, No Tracer for a distraction, just him and I.

I was in voice chat at the time, not talking, but listening. He was getting infuriated that /I/ was the reason why he was dying, that /I/ had bad choices. You know what…I got fed up with it, got on the mic, and went “Widowmaker was a bad choice? it wasn’t my fault you would jump on the point with no help and die the entire time. I’m sitting here, 14-2, all gold medals, picking off each one of them to help support the point.” He never directly responded to me, just said, “Of course its a girl, they’re playing Widowmaker” and to which I replied “yeah, and I’m not a shitty player like you” and then they left.

When I’m playing comp with my friends, I’m always the person they message with rage messages all the time as if I’m not going to have a comeback to any of it because I’m a girl.

Any time I would join VC, on Call of Duty, the reactions I would get are guys telling me for me to hit puberty because a girl would never be good at call of duty…right?

Its disgusting how (most) of the male culture acts towards women who play video games. I’ve seen screenshots of women getting messages saying “you’re lucky I even let a girl play on my team” (which makes no sense because they didn’t have that option to begin with). Or people hitting on them asking for their phone number (which I’ve got more than once)

It’s asinine that it is 2017 and men do not know how to act when a girl/woman plays an online FPS game. Β People complain to me all the time that I’m never in VC when I play Overwatch competitive and honestly, thats the reason why; because I’m just going to get blamed for the reason why we lose (if we do), or I’m going to get sexist misogynist remarks towards me and its irritating.